This is a message channeled for me one week ago by galactic ambassador David Jonathan Hrostoski:
“There’s a chunk of your energetic system that gets to be reclaimed from what others perceive you as.
You already act in deep accordance with your being, so there’s an invitation to call back your energy from the mental processes that map what others think.
Your messages will dial in quickly from this too, and spread further and quicker.
People will think what they want, but that actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their perception.
AND it’s actually very very aligned and perfect for you to trigger others because that gives them an external reflection to project all their internal struggles onto *so that* they can see it.
You’re helping people see themselves by allowing the judgments.
Know that, own that, let it happen, and call back your energy from having to look at it or address it.
That added energy bandwidth will make you even more powerful, which will make even more people judge you, which will help them see themselves even more.
It’s all perfect. ??”
As I replied to David, the part about calling my power back from others’ perceptions is very true and is something I have been working on for over a year now, though the programming runs deep. Essentially, crippled through trauma by an inability to discern my own needs and wants (dissociation/desensitization cutting me off from the emotional body), I focused on tuning into others’ needs instead, until a large chunk of my operating system was dedicated to measuring every single action I took by whether it brought me closer to or farther from the love I wanted. It was all unconscious until last year and I had no idea how much it was draining me – like running a huge app in the background taking up a ton of bandwidth I wasn’t even aware of. And I’m ready to be done with that now. It’s long overdue.
It’s no surprise that I hardly recognize myself the more I tune in to my emotional body and follow my heart. There are times I watch myself (I watched the playback of my first two classes last night to see where I could improve as a lecturer) and I can barely believe the words coming out of my mouth – how did I end up here, just by being unafraid of expansion? I’m still surprised over the fuss about my album, not because I’m being falsely humble about its quality but because of all the growth I had to do in taking myself seriously as an artist since the last album 3 years ago in order to call in this much of a difference in its reception.
I remain, as I have throughout this process, open to constructive and compassionate feedback from those who have a personal relationship with me on how I can show up for them better as a friend, lover, or colleague. I always like clear requests, because it makes my job easier.
But as for my attachment to people’s perceptions of me, I’m no longer in alignment with that exhaustion. And if I’m upsetting people with the ways that I’m growing, they’re allowed to practice their discernment and bow out, or examine what their perceptions mean for themselves. I’m not interested in forcing connections of any kind, because I’m attuning myself to the vibration of my soul mission, which can’t be forced. I’m interested in going where the love is.
This journey humbles and softens me more every day. But it also calls me to release what isn’t mine, and so I’m no longer worried about that. I have never not been able to plant new seeds on a scorched earth.
I’m not curtailing my expansion for anyone’s comfort. What you think about me is none of my business.
This is something that I struggle with. Consciously I know and understand that other people’s judgements are nothing more than their own programmed responses, but I find myself in a cycle of being afraid of interaction and the fear is overwhelming. I know that the more I give energy to this fear, less energy is available for me to create what I really want to. There came a point in my journey that I had enough of pain and trauma and I withdrew from the world. I didn’t understand how to change or take charge of what I was receiving, so I became a sort of hermit. The only way I knew to keep from experiencing more pain was to cut off everything that I couldn’t control. Now I’m understanding more and more that I created that pain to begin with; it was never something outside of me. Knowing this consciously, though, has not helped me with letting go of the fear of pain and humiliation. It’s still the knee jerk response I have whenever I’m in a situation that I can’t control. “Make yourself small and no one will notice you. No, don’t speak up because everyone will look at you. Do you really want to go to that festival where you’ll have to deal with hundreds of people you don’t know?” Some days I challenge the fear and go anyway, but most of the time I am unable to enjoy myself because the fear is right there under the surface. It’s very frustrating because I know the truth of what I am doing to myself and how I am making myself miserable, but at the same time, I am unable to break the cycle. It’s like I have two opposing forces inside me that are battling it out every minute of the day. It’s exhausting. I feel that this is somehow part of the process, though, and that I am in the middle of being able to let go of the past and heal. I know that there is a way to reprogram myself so my first reaction is that of compassion and love for myself, and the past trauma and judgements in my life will not be part of any of my decision making process. I know I can and will do this. There is no there choice for me. Thank you for holding the space open for those of us that know this is possible. We’ll be along shortly. 😉