Recently someone on my feed postulated that love is about finding someone whose wounds are compatible with yours, or someone who’s willing to heal both your wounds together.

Up until maybe about a month ago, and definitely a year ago, I would have nodded along wholeheartedly with this. However in recent weeks it’s been presented to me gnostically that in the pursuit of not just relationship but of sacred union, it’s not going to cut it to rely on a partner to create the container to heal your wounds or vice versa – both of you have to do the work on yourself first.

It’s not that it’s impossible to heal wounds within relationship. I’m sure there must be people who have done it somewhere. But the problem is that most of what looks like healing can cleverly disguise itself as two people who merely meet each other’s underlying need that each person’s core wound presents. And that’s not healing, that’s just finding the right shaped piece to fill the gap. That means that if/when the relationship is over, the wound in each person goes back to being open sans bandaid.

Or even if that person DOES aid your healing, you can come to depend on the container they provide in order to make you feel better. That’s not healing, it’s a lifetime prescription drug.

Relationship health is also not a binary. There are plenty of varying degrees of healthy relationships, just as there are varying degrees of healthy meals. And some people can go their whole lives in longterm relationships that are based in compatible wounding and never have cause or inspiration to address it, and it’s none of my business to tell them they should do any differently.

But if your purpose on earth is true love, then a relationship between two people who were able to find wholeness before choosing to come together is naturally going to be much stronger than one that’s not. Not to mention that it’s incredibly difficult to reset relationship patterns once they get started, so acting out of wounding gets built into the relationship’s DNA early on.

So as I’ve been called to understand it, the path to sacred union is one in which each individual achieves completeness without the crutch of a partner.

I didn’t like this either, I fought it as recently as last month, but when I kept running up against resistance I knew there was a key piece I was missing. And I learned that the moment I start whining about my healing, going “why me, why is this so hard,” the moment I run up against that resistance is the moment I’ve discovered the key to the next step. It’s not always easy but when I realized that I could easily stop at this point in the process and give up if I wanted to, I realized I’m making a choice to invest in my future rather than fill a void in the interim.

Anyway, I’m relatively new to this information and it’s entirely possible that I’m pulling all this out of my ass to make myself feel better on what has been a deeply harrowing trauma-healing path, so as with everything, take what works for you and leave what doesn’t.