I often say that repatterning is a lifelong process – not an endless exhausting journey to an elusive “there” we never reach, but a way of enjoying the constant upward spiral, leveling up to newer and better challenges as we go, continually updating our programming, finding ways to get excited about what we’re going to tackle next and curious about what might result, losing ourselves in the blissful flow of creating our reality.

These last couple months have been emotionally tumultuous for me, but I recognize that it’s because I put some speed on my intentions, because I specifically asked for things to start showing up in a certain time frame. And in order for that to happen, certain things needed to be confronted or triggered for release.

When you ask for stuff to happen fast, then the release around it will come up fast too.

This is a choice to play on difficult mode.

I’ve had to make some real big girl decisions lately and go to some unprecedented places of emotional maturity.

And even though I teach this work, even though I know that my fastest way forward is through this initiation without complaint, even though I know it’s for my own good – even being me, I am whining about it. There are some parts of me that do not wanna hear it and cannot be reasoned with, and they’ve been grabbing the microphone lately and demanding to be heard.

But as The Rock purports saying to himself when he needs motivation to work out: “Just how bad a mfer do you think you are?”

Well obviously I think I am a pretty bad mfer.

I am writing out affirmations of release that I’m gonna have to grit my teeth through on the first several tries.

I am releasing thought patterns that have existed in me since pre-memory, meaning I have no concept of who I am without them, and so giving them up feels tantamount to erasing myself.

I am doing magick around releasing it (that’s mostly why it came up in the first place), and I’ve been booking sessions with my facilitator who helps me move the energies in the places I can’t reach by myself. So I have faith that I will move forward because I know it’s the way.

The version of me that I see beyond this gateway is… impressive.

But I’m resentful that apparently I have to become her to achieve things I see others just get handed to them. On many more fronts than one.

The fact that sometimes it has to be this hard is doing a number on my worthiness, you feel me? Like, wow, I wasn’t good enough for it without having to do all this transmutation, apparently? I wasn’t worth choosing?It comes down to that same core wound: nobody rescued me.

And yet.

I also recognize that there is some alchemical math at play here, and that by doing this on my own, I’m building up my personal magick. And that means that when what I’m intending for arrives to me, nobody will be able to take it away. Because I created it with my own magick and I can do it again.

And if that’s the way that’s ultimately in my highest good… well then obviously I’m choosing it, because I keep putting all these “highest good” clauses on all my intentions.

Just saying. Highest good ain’t always for the faint of heart.