A common theme I see in my female clients is that despite being powerful, creative, resourceful women who have already achieved so much, many of them keep sourcing their validation externally, particularly in the approval of men.
I fell into this trap myself for many years. My work in seduction (when I was teaching pickup) had painted me into a corner where I felt that if I couldn’t attain and keep a relationship with a man I desired, then it somehow made me a fraud as a coach. As a result, I put all my effort into keeping relationships with men who in reality weren’t treating me well. I felt that somehow, with just the right combination of action on my part, I could hack it so they would value me. After all, who could figure that out if not me? But the forest I couldn’t see for the trees was that I was giving all my energy to men who weren’t meeting my needs… over and over and over again, until there was none left for me.
The reality is that this behavior is a means of distracting ourselves from our own power. Instead of creating a sustainable, happy life for ourselves, we are constantly seeking that next “hit” of approval. It’s not unlike being strung out on drugs.
Now, it’s not ENTIRELY our faults, because we as women get so much encouragement and support from society to act this way.
Society loves conditioning us into this pattern, because it wants women to be attractive, play small, and perform. The patriarchy would love it if all women were smiling, sexually performative Victoria’s Secret model wannabes.
Of course, the irony is that in order to attract your ideal relationship, first you have to hack being happy being alone. It’s a counterintuitive energy, like getting out of a Chinese fingertrap. But it WORKS.
Let me tell you a story about one of my clients. She’s a badass woman who is now feeling the deep effects of harnessing her power.
A couple months ago she called me up with another story of men she was seeing, or trying to see, and how they were or were not paying attention to her and how that was playing out. I asked her permission to drop a truth bomb in our session that I knew wouldn’t be easy for her to hear, and she said yes.
“This isn’t where your power lies. You want to talk out these stories with me, but the REAL story appears when we zoom out from them. Do you remember all the artistic and personal development goals you mentioned to me when we first started working together? What happened to them? What happened to that woman who was so motivated about creating a fulfilling life when we first started talking, who cared about her art and her job and her home and her happiness? This isn’t what we started this work for. I could listen to you and give you advice about these men you barely know who are causing you all this anxiety, whom you were doing just fine without just a few weeks ago, but I’d be doing you a disservice. Once you create a life you’re in love with, the right partner who will love you in all your power will come in, and they’ll STAY in.”
In the last few months she’s made HUGE strides and improvements in her career, her art, and her home life. She’s back on track and happier than ever. She even expressed to me that she can hardly believe she was ever worried about what those guys thought about her at all, and how happy she is that she dodged those miserable bullets! And I know that partnership she dreams of is just around the corner for her once she realizes her goals, because I’ve seen that exact scenario happen for my clients as soon as they make that key change – sometimes almost instantly. [***UPDATE Feb 4th*** Here we are, less than a month later, and today we jump on our monthly call – and she is in a dreamy, healthy partnership with an amazing man who absolutely adores her, and whom she adores back! He’s devoted his time to her, honored her boundaries, and held her through triggers, telling her “if I can’t love you at your worst then I don’t deserve you at your best.“ Today on the call she told me, “And it’s not just him, Arden, it’s me! I’m different! It’s who I’m being in this relationship that has contributed to making it so wonderful.“ CALLED IT!]
The reason we get stuck in this trap is that we absorbed so much social conditioning that says to women, “Put yourself last. Put other people – family members, bosses, but particularly men, and particularly men you are attracted to – first.”
And those beliefs are so deeply lodged in there, that even when you notice them, even when you’re totally ready to let go of them, it’s hard to get them out. But there is a way.
Wouldn’t it be nice to put a stop to those cycles of anxiety? Wouldn’t it be amazing to know that there was a way out, and a way into the life of your dreams, the life that’s going to attract the partner of your dreams?
When I finally walked away from my last toxic relationship, I made a commitment to stop the bleeding and do what it took to be happy on my own, knowing that that was the only way to call in a lasting partnership. (Again, Chinese fingertrap.)
Within mere weeks of making this commitment to myself, men all around me started seeking my attention. At first, they were the kind of emotionally unhealthy men I had been used to before, and I enjoyed turning them down. “What’s the point,” I said, “giving you all my time and energy for, what, two months, just so you can say you had me? Don’t you see what I’m building here? Boy, get in line.”
But then, as my own happiness levels grew, I began attracting men of greater and greater quality, because they were in alignment with the state I’d created in myself. Even my casual involvements became healthier, more fulfilling, and saner. And the intimacy I get to experience keeps getting deeper and more potent. Now I’m almost tempted to stay single as long as possible while I keep improving, just to see how good it can get! (Maybe… 😉)
I finally understood how easy it is to install new, more positive beliefs and programs, even if you don’t believe them at first.
I decided I need to share this. There are too many women suffering for lack of knowledge about their own ability to re-pattern.
And so many women who would benefit if they learned these simple methods.
Are you one of these women?
Are you ready to give up your people-pleasing once and for all?
Are you ready to stop sourcing your worth and value in how attractive you may be to men?