I am:
Pansexual, having had positive sexual experiences with men and women of many varieties, and at least one non-binary person.
Heteroromantic, feeling really only suited toward relationship with men, despite having attempted otherwise with some truly magnificent women.
Goth, which feels silly to mention, but which often feels like a bigger deal than, say, my being pansexual, when relating to others socially.
Cisgender, but only out of convenience. If I were born a man I’d be fine with it, and I’d still be pansexual, heteroromantic, goth, wear makeup, and be in a band. I like being a woman but I’m less attached to my femaleness than I am to other aspects of my identity. I sometimes wonder if this makes me non-binary but since this body was practically made for high femme presentation I just go with it. It’s probably a luxury that I just don’t care that much. I think I’d feel weirder about being born in a body that was short or stocky than one that was male.
Demisexual, meaning I need a strong emotional connection to feel compelled to have sex (making me often feel like a loner or oddball at my friends’ play parties).
Narrative-sexual (I just made this up), meaning the “strong emotional connection” I need to feel compelled to have sex can absolutely be a strong emotional connection to *a really good story* rather than a person. This part of my orientation has led to some interesting places.
Ex-kinky, meaning I quit BDSM because it was enabling addictive behavior in my relationships. I’m really curious to explore a relationship of equals, something I have literally never done in this lifetime.
Monogamish, meaning I am deeply oriented toward primary pair-bonding but I think mistaking sexual monogamy for relationship fidelity is one of society’s greatest faults. I expect loyalty from a partner, but I can imagine scenarios in which they/we have sex with other people without compromising that loyalty. I don’t really feel called to seek it out, but again it’s just one of those normative things that’s not high on my list of priorities.
I share this about myself in solidarity with those who don’t feel quite queer enough for the label, whose alternativeness in sexuality stands in stark contrast to heteronormative society but who still carry a hefty amount of privilege in their relationship presentation. I have a lot of heteronormative privilege being a high femme cis woman and conducting most of my relationships with men, but I’m still queer. And to be honest, it’s annoying when “normal” guys approach me in ways that erase the parts of my identity that don’t fit into the easy narrative they want.
Because to date me, you have to be able to understand my world. And that means seeing and accepting my story in its completeness, even when the main themes look like something you can squeeze into a simple box.
To go off on what Anaiis Flox said today, I am queer enough. I am enough in general, too. Happy Coming Out Day.