I’m not really ok today, though I will be eventually.
I got hit from the side by a young woman pulling out of a metered parking spot today. That marks my second car accident in a month. We pulled over to exchange information and I snapped her plate number, but then she sped off, without warning, the wrong way down a one-way street. The cops arrived and filed it as a hit & run, and then after they left, her brother arrived back on the scene and demanded my information. I told him that the police had already come and gone and I’d be happy to give him the case number, and he began threatening me: “We don’t play that way, bitch.”
I got in my car and drove away. I didn’t learn discernment to allow myself to be intimidated into compliance by men who talk to me like that.
I came home to the news about the confirmation. *vaguely gestures*
I also came home to a motherfuckton of very subpar dare-I-say allyship from several of my male friends and acquaintances on Facebook, and I got into a few more heated arguments about it than is ever pleasant. I feel in alignment with my integrity in letting the men in my life know when I feel they’re not stepping up, and I try to express my rage with reasoning, but I’m really hurting.
I’m also kind of caught up in some drama that really doesn’t have anything to do with me personally but is likely going to affect some of my social infrastructures in ways that will require temperance on my part. I know this is a vaguebook, and honestly it applies to way more than one situation in my life right now, but the specifics don’t matter – I write this because I want you to grok the energetic frustration of having to deal with the repercussions of situations you didn’t cause, karma with no root connection to you.
There is a lot of karma I have to transmute right now that has no root connection to me, you feel me? A whole bunch of Life’s Not Fair™. A car pulling out and sideswiping me and then fleeing the scene when I was (QUITE LITERALLY) just staying in my lane. A large man threatening me while I’m on the phone with insurance. People being shitty to each other or apparently shitty to me in ways I didn’t know or even really care about, I just hate these constant reshufflings, when I just want everyone to be happy.
I’m in my vortex enough to know to treat this as the Contraction Before the Expansion, the Force Average: the idea that we are always tested before we level up, that before we receive new abundance the space for it must be created. Every storyteller, every philosopher, every magician knows this. And I know I’m set for a great deal of expansion very soon, because I intended it five months ago and all the steps to it have shown up in perfect sequence so far, because all the wheels are already in motion. So, okay. This is the karma burnoff I can’t logic out. What was the purpose of all this. Like, come on, this just feels mean.
And everything I know about life tells me that that’s the sign that the universe is asking me if I really want it enough.
And my answer is “Of course I fucking do.”
So I call to file the insurance claim and I drink some CBD tea and I put on soothing music and I block some motherfuckers on Facebook and I call/text some selectively chosen friends for support and I make a video about contraction and expansion, and there’s absolutely no way I’m even entertaining letting despair in the doorway, because there’s nothing more important to me than following my heart to my happiness. Because the thing that most drives the results I get in my life is how I feel, and you can’t take that from me. I’m steering this ship, you cannot for a second throw me off course.
And that’s how you stay winning at life even when the world around you is a giant rage-filled burning hellscape.
I wish I didn’t have to learn it the hard way, but here we are.